Tuco’s Favorite IPhone Applications

I’m assuming you’ve seen The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. If you haven’t, you don’t know Tuco.

Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez is a greedy bandit. He’s been found guilty of murder, armed robbery of citizens, state banks, and post offices; the theft of sacred objects, arson in a state prison, perjury, bigamy, deserting his wife and children, inciting prostitution, kidnapping, extortion, receiving stolen goods, selling stolen goods, passing counterfeit money, and using marked cards and loaded dice.

He’s also a precision sharpshooter. In fact, he killed more guys in the movie than Clint Eastwood did. His gunsmithing skills are unparalleled as well. In one scene, he went into a gun shop and instead of just stealing a pistol, he disassembled three different pistols and built his own in about a minute.

Most people who watch the movie see Clint Eastwood’s character, “Blondie” as the hero. Me, I’m a Tuco fan.

I sometimes wonder how a man like Tuco, who refers to himself in third person, would get by in today’s world. He’s not a simple drug dealer or thug- he is a tactician. But how would he operate in a world of freeway cameras, electronically scanned drivers licenses and Nancy Grace?

For someone as resourceful as Tuco, you’ve got to wonder- if he had an IPhone, which applications would he use?

1. TacoLocoApp

Whether you’ve been dragging Blondie (Clint Eastwood) across a desert or escaping from Union soldiers with a sack of gold coins, you’re going to work up a hunger. When Tuco knocks off the traildust, I assume he will be thinking about tacos.

Michael Brewer and his brother from Raleigh, North Carolina recently developed an IPhone application built specifically for taco fans- the Taco Loco App.

It’s been a huge hit since its release. The week after its initial launch, it was in the top 20 most downloaded IPhone apps.

It uses the current IPhone mapping technology, and drops pins on all of the taco trucks in your area. You can look up trucks by name with the search utility. If you come across an undiscovered taco truck, you can share the location with everyone instead of keeping it all to yourself, you double-crossing son of a thousand fathers.

2.  BulletFlight

“There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend: Those with a rope around the neck, and the people who have the job of doing the cutting.” – Tuco

When that rope starts to pull tight, you can feel the devil bite your ass. A man like Tuco knows that firearm accuracy is obviously a matter of life and death, so I’m betting he would download BulletFlight, a sniper application with a ballistics calculator that compensates for variables such as caliber, wind speed, distance, temperature and altitude. Each of these elements must be considered when you’re trying to split a hangman’s rope at the gallows from a distance of several hundred yards with a single bullet.  The maker, Knights Armament, states on their site that these units are currently in use by our military in Iraq and Afghanistan. This app costs $11.99, but Tuco would probably find a way to steal it.

3. Scanner 911

“There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend: Those with a rope around the neck, and the people who have the job of doing the cutting.” – Tuco

Tuco’s got a price on his head, and he’s not going to make it easy for the law to catch up with him. Scanner 911 is a full-featured scanning utility that picks up feed from police and fire department communications around the United States. I’m guessing Tuco would have his iPhone strapped to his saddlebag with the police radio on at all times to make sure nobody’s trying to pull one over on him. It’s a lot of fun to listen to, and there’s even a nifty little graph that displays all of the police radio codes so that you can decipher the cop-speak. If you see swarming helicopters and flashing lights in your hood, you can use this app to quickly determine what in the world is going on. Or to escape.

4. Surefire Shot Timer

“When you have to shoot, shoot, don’t talk.” – Tuco

Surefire is a company known for their flashlights and weapon lights. Not your everyday flashlights- we’re talking indestructible, precision machined, high-intensity lights commonly used by law enforcement and military to blind the hell out of bad guys.

Surefire released a free Shot Timer app. A buzzer goes off, and you draw your weapon and fire. This simple but clever application records the sound of the gunshot(s) and tells you how long it took you to draw and shoot, making it a handy tool when practicing to improve your draw speed. There are several IPhone games out there, such as Cowboy Draw, that simulate the drawing motion, but Tuco doesn’t play games.

Have you come across any IPhone applications that Tuco might need or use?

GunsandTacos is a firearms instructor at Top Gun Range in Houston, TX. He also hosts a humorous Houston food and firearm website, GunsandTacos.com.